Funny Love & Marriage Quotes

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Will men and women ever truly understand each other? Probably not! Viva la difference and enjoy these funny love & marriage quotes. These quotes are also good for "roasting" a couple at an anniversary party or wedding rehearsal dinner.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off –Anon.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. –Anon.

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine. –Anon.

Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they want is to be a man's last romance. –Oscar Wilde

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. –Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. –Jimmy Durante

Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. –Robert A. Heinlein

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. –Will Rogers

There's two theories to arguing with a woman; neither one works. –Will Rogers

Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month. Others just go over them. –Katherine Mansfield

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached. –Anon.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind. –Anon.

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up. –Ogden Nash

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. –Brendan Francis

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. –Henny Youngman

Married couples resemble a pair of scissors, often moving in opposite directions, yet punishing anyone who gets in between them. –Sydney Smith

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced. Anon.

Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener. –Pauline Thomason

A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it. –Anon. Author

Anyone can be passionate but it takes real lovers to be silly. –Rose Franken