Funny Love and Marriage Quotes

Will men and women ever truly understand each other? Probably not! Viva la difference and enjoy these funny love & marriage quotes.

Have a laugh or two at yourself and the nuttiness of romance and love. These quotes are also good for "roasting" a couple at an anniversary party or dinner. Also check out the Romantic Quotes, Inspirational Marriage quotes and Marriage Poems.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. — Anonymous

By now, I have figured out which buttons to push. But I still have no idea how she works. — Anonymous Husband

If men swear that they want to harm you when you are asleep, you can go to sleep. If women say so, stay awake. — African Proverb

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute. — Anonymous

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. — Anonymous

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Classic Chris Rock bit about women's need to talk.
Still funny after all these years!


No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. — Author Unknown

The Japanese have a word for it. It's Judo — the art of conquering by yielding. The Western equivalent of judo is, 'Yes, dear.' — J. P. McEvoy

Love is the history of a woman's life; it is an episode in a man's. — Germaine De Stael

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. — Cathy Carlyle

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light. — Mark Twain

My toughest fight was with my first wife. — Muhammad Ali

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life — Rita Rudner

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. — Woody Allen

Romance has been elegantly defined as the offspring of fiction and love. — Benjamin Disraeli

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. — Erma Bombeck

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. — Henry Kissinger

Quarrels in France strengthen a love affair, in America they end it. — Ned Rorem

Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash. — Joyce Brothers

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? — Barbra Streisand

There's only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. — Clint Eastwood

Men always want to be a woman's first love – women like to be a man's last romance. — Oscar Wilde

My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce. — Joyce Brothers

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. — Author Unknown

You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories. — Melanie Clark

Romantic Gift Ideas

Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage. — by Ambrose Bierce

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. — Will Rogers

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive. — Johnny Carson

I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up. — Barbara Bush

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift. — Rita Rudner

The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once. — H.V. Prochnow

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. — Milton Berle

Funny Romantic Video

This is a very funny video ad about how one man ruins a romantic moment

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong admit it; Whenever you're right shut up. — Ogden Nash

The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her. — Marcelene Cox

There are easier things in life than trying to find a nice guy...like nailing jelly to a tree for example. — Author Unknown

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. — Elayne Boosler

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. — Henny Youngman

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. — Rita Rudner

A husband is a man who when someone tells him he is hen-pecked, answers, yes, but I am pecked by a good hen. – Gill Karlsen

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. — Lewis Grizzard

My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me. — Jon Bon Jovi

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him — Marilyn Monroe

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him — H.L. Mencken

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being — Benjamin Disraeli

Home cooking: where many a man thinks his wife is — Author Unknown

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing — Joey Adams

More Romantic Ideas


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