There was an article a couple of days ago in the UK Times Online, “Why men and women argue differently” that started out with a funny story about a married couple in Gapun, a remote village in Papua New Guinea. Talk about cultural differences—or not?! They had a dispute after the wife fell through a hole in the rotten floor of their home and she blamed her husband for lousy workmanship. He retaliated by hitting her with a piece of sugar cane, to which she responded with a threat to slice him up with a machete and burn the home to the ground.
He thought it was time he made a safe exit and his wife then launched into a kros—an angry tirade directed at a husband with the intention of it being heard by everyone in the village, during which time the husband is expected to keep quiet. Read the article to find out what she announced to the village, it is not pleasant.
You and your partner may not experience this level of flaming fury (you might feel it but not express it) or be into public humiliation, but no doubt about it, we argue differently. Or is it that men and women don’t enjoy arguing with each other? What I’ve noticed throughout the years and many relationships, is that men and women are comfortable arguing about different things. For instance, men are totally comfortable going off about the merits of different ballplayers, teams, politics, or which cars (or anything mechanical & techy) are superior. Women love to discuss and analyze feelings about anything and everything. There is nothing worse than a woman could say to her guy than, “we have to talk.” For her, it’s natural, “Let’s discuss this and clear the air.” The male response is, “Ain’t no air being cleared…it’s being polluted.”
A male friend put it this way,
It’s not that I don’t have feelings, it’s that I don’t analyze my feelings other than if something makes me feel good, I want to repeat it and if something makes me feel bad, I want to avoid it. It’s as simple as that.” He added, “So when my girlfriend tells me we need to talk, I know I’m gonna feel bad, so I avoid it. She doesn’t get that I don’t analyze feelings other than whether or not I’m feeling good or bad. I can’t tell her how I feel ’cause I’m not used to putting my feelings into words. I worry that I’ll probably say the wrong thing…and usually do. Can’t win at this game.”
Another friend put it this way, “I’d rather go through a police interrogation than deal with one of those talks with my woman. At least with the cops, you know what’s gonna happen if you’re guilty.”
I’ve had lots of male friends spill their guts to me, but that’s because I was a friend. There was only one time I dumped a friend because of what he told me. He was involved with a woman he considered his true soul mate, the love of his life. But he was leaving her because she couldn’t have children and he didn’t want to adopt. He had to have his bloodline furthered. My response was “Adios, amigo. Go @#$&*@! yourself.”
As a woman, I’m certainly guilty of too frequently spouting the infamous “honey, we need to have a talk” line when it got to the point that either we talk or I commit homicide. Do men sense that, ya think? Maybe they would rather chance instant death than dive into the murky, uncharted depths of feelings where they know they’ll probably sink and drown. And nobody will hear their screams.
In general, women are more capable of throwing out their emotional trash and once it’s dumped and received, can move on. What’s hard for men to realize is the sheer quantity of feelings that women need to process. And not only that, constantly reprocess them. Talk about recycling efforts! Women are used to having to deal with feelings, every month as we all know. Or is it more accurate to say, “I don’t suffer from my PMS, everybody else does.” That’s the way a lot of guys feel. What guys don’t understand is that women can and do process their feelings more easily. They can spend the morning scaling sky high emotional mountains and scraping the bottom of the deepest valleys…and then go out for an afternoon of shopping, no problem. Women have so many feelings on a daily basis that if they don’t get them out on a regular basis, they’ll go psycho. Guys, please consider that it isn’t easy going around having a built-in “feelings factory.” And to dismiss a woman’s feelings as not real, it’s just “PMS” isn’t a good thing either. Hey, it isn’t always PMS!
Let’s face it, relationships are not a done deal. They need nurturing, analysis, direction, development and training—just like your favorite sports team. Do you think teams win pennants by teammates not talking & arguing with each other? Hell, no!
Thrown into this mix is your family history of dealing with issues. My family loved to argue, or I should say, my Dad loved to argue. If nothing was happening, he would start one, we’d all get into it, vent, and after about a half hour or so, my Mom would suggest having an iced tea and cookies and then it was over and we’d all merrily go our separate ways. Well, try pulling that on someone who grew up in a family who felt that not arguing was the epitome of human evolution.
Another topper is that some women and men use their respective positions to manipulate and control each other. There are women who emotionally harass their guys so much that they’ll buy their lady something just to shut them up. And there are men who purposely remain so emotionally distant that their women are reduced to begging them for any kind of attention. These women have low self-esteem issues or get that way because they love their man too much.
Finding ways for men and women to effectively discuss issues is the Holy Grail of relationships. A few tips that may help when you both sit down for that “talk.”
- Don’t play the “blame game” and making your significant other a target or emotional punching bag. No name calling.
- Women: keep focused on one issue. Don’t bring up everything but the kitchen sink. If your boyfriend or husband knows a discussion won’t turn into an emotional free-for-all, he may be more willing to sit down and have one.
- Men: Acknowledge your girlfriend’s or wife’s feelings. Don’t do the “yes, dear” crap. Trust me, we know when y’all are “yessing” us so you can end it quickly. That just makes a woman pound the nail harder.
- Both: when your SO says something, specifically respond and acknowledge it. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk. If they have a gripe, ask how they feel it can be resolved. Consider what they said. If you can’t make this compromise, say that it’s not something you can agree to and then offer another suggestion. Maybe you can agree to part of something. Work towards your mutual resolving of an issue.
Small successes can lead to larger ones. Practice having discussions with smaller, less volatile issues (like taking out the garbage or walking the dog) where you both feel that the other heard what you were saying and can easily come to a mutual agreement.
How do you deal with the way you communicate with the one you love? Please share your tips and insights!
