Domestic violence victims in most cases are women, however, increasingly men are coming forward to report physical abuse by a female partner. Gays and lesbians are not immune from a partner’s abuse either—and in many cases, are not protected by domestic violence laws that protect heterosexuals. Another highly vulnerable sector is immigrant women, who may have their passports or visa documents confiscated by their abusers.

Spousal abuse crosses all socioeconomic, racial, religious and gender lines. You would be surprised at the number of so-called “leading members of a community” who show one face publicly and and their evil twin privately.

Contrary to popular opinion, this is not an anger management issue. The attacker is very much in control of their temper—it is specifically directed towards their partner and anger is used to intimidate and dominate them. An abuser can immediately calm down when a police officer shows up or to answer a phone call. If they can’t control their anger in front of others, only then it might be considered that the abuser also has an anger management issue.

The nature of this abuse is cyclical and predictable, and the effects are devastating to everyone involved with the couple. The most difficult thing is that it is the victim who must take action, and in many cases, they’re just too emotionally and psychologically beaten down to fight back. Download a “cycle of abuse” diagram in English or en Español.

Unfortunately, there is still much cultural and religious support for domestic violence and myths that continue to exist about the nature of spousal abuse.

What Action Can A Domestic Violence Victim Take?

If you are living in fear of your partner, here are resources to help you take action for yourself and your children:

• If you are in immediate danger call 911.
• For anonymous, 24/7 help on escaping an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 and visit their website. Assistance is available in English and Spanish and through interpreter services, more than 170 languages. Hotline advocates provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands.
• The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence provides a directory of state offices to help you find local support, shelter, and free or low-cost legal services. There is also a comprehensive list of other U.S. and international organizations.
• LGBT Resources: LA Gay & Lesbian Center, The Network/LaRed, The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs (NCAVP).

How Family and Friends Can Help

Who doesn’t want to tell off an abuser? However, you may be fanning the flames by intervening or making suggestions such as couples therapy. Before you attempt to help, use the resources above to get expert advice about assisting a friend or family member: you do not want to do something that may place the victim, their family or yourself at risk for escalated violence. Your role is to remain a supportive friend, not a counselor. You can find a wealth of information at the Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse, a clearinghouse for all types of domestic violence.

Stacy and Audie knew each other for many years but it wasn’t love at first sight. When she was 14, she knew Audie and his family from church, however, she then thought he was “too old and dorky.” Fast forward 5 years: Stacy’s working in a supermarket and checking out a cute guy shopping and realized it was Audie. You know what happens next when you’re on the right love path: they started running into each other all the time. She found out that he was on the verge of giving up his farm because he didn’t have someone to help him with it.

So what do you do when you know it’s true love? Stacy learned how to become the perfect farm girl. She didn’t even know that all cows weren’t black and white!

We dated for only ten months, although you couldn’t really call what we did dating. We worked on the farm together every day - milking, feeding cows, making hay, cleaning stalls, etc….I think working so closely together everyday, with a common goal, facing the good, the bad and the smelly, gave us a foundation that has carried us through some hard times.

That totally blew me away. You love the person, you love their work and make it your own life’s work. Your goals become one. Stacy didn’t give up her life to lead one that she didn’t want. She loves the outdoors and what Audie was doing with his life resonated with her inner desires. She actually moved towards a life she wanted to live and wasn’t living by working in a supermarket.

What does she say is the real glue in their relationship?

We both give each other room to grow, to change, and to be who we are. Neither of us tries to make the other into our ideal mate. We accept each other as we are, and love without condition. He is the best friend I’ve ever had.

This is probably the best love recipe that I’ve ever seen.

? Happy 11th Anniversary, Stacy and Audie! ?

First off, I’m not a professional expert. My marriage ended in divorce after 20+ years of marriage but I certainly did the time. My ex and I remain supportive but distant acquaintances, so this is not going to be a personal dirtfest. I created this list from personal experience as well as doing mucho research. I’m going to blog about each list item over the next couple of weeks and give supportive resources. Please join in with your comments, advice and experience. Sometimes reading about another spin on a situation can help create an instant miracle for another couple.

Nasty Habits

Are you accidentally guaranteeing your divorce? You might just be repeating what your parents or family did. Gasp! No, never! But it might be true. Go through the list and see if you can own up to any of them. This won’t be an easy journey—you must face your own crap first and take responsibility for it, no matter what you think your spouse is doing to fan the flames.

I really feel that keeping a journal or diary can help work wonders. Why? Because when you get the jumble of words and feelings out of your head and written or typed down somewhere, it’s easier to figure out all the puzzle pieces affecting your marriage or relationship. It can be as simple as having a recipe box with 3 x 5 lined file cards, a notebook, or using software such as Microsoft Word or NotePad to write a few lines a day—as much or as little as the mood moves you. Always write the day, date and time on top so you can go back and refer back to different periods of time and see how you’ve progressed.

If the spirit moves you, make more than one entry a day. But if you don’t want to make an entry, don’t. Not making an entry is as revealing as making one—what are you avoiding? The silences we have with ourselves can tell us a lot. You’ll figure it out later on, just be honest with yourself. Whatever you do, don’t quit—on yourself or your marriage. Give it the best chance you have! And hopefully, your mate will see you changing and easing the path for them to change as well.

Note: If you are in a highly abusive relationship, physically or emotionally, you will need to seek professional counseling, either by yourself or, if possible, couples counseling.

The list below is not in any order of importance.

1. Be physically abusive
2. Have a substance or gambling addiction
3. Refuse to have sex with your partner
4. Be emotionally dishonest or unavailable
5. Put others needs before your marriage
6. Expect your partner to make you happy
7. Treat your partner disrespectfully
8. Refuse to discuss and resolve problems
9. Micromanage your partner’s life
10. Refuse to have children